SO... this week (due to Thanksgiving) I actually am not able to make it to the class discussion we do have on Tuesday. Because of that, I did my own research on the class topic, and the main topic- out of all of the points we were to study- that I found most interesting and intriguing was the one on Father Involvement in the family.
Often times, I personally think that we take advantage of our fathers and the benefits that come with having a dad present in the home. If this is not your personal case, and you have either never met your father before, or maybe he's just not an actively involved participant in your home, then I know you have different experiences and a relationship with your father than I have with mine.
Now, I am definitely a daddy's girl. Growing up, my mom actually got really frustrated with me probably, because I never wanted to do "girly" things with her like get our nails done all the time, or go shopping. Instead, I much rather preferred to go to work with my dad and hang out with him. Looking back, I regret not showing my love and appreciation to her by not allowing her to take me on fun activities or shopping trips. But, I also realize how important a father's influence is on his family and entire home.
First off, when we think of the job of "dad", what do we usually think of first? Most of you probably said that his "job" is to do just that... work a job that can support his family. Father's do benefit the family in many ways- one familiar one is to work and be the main source of income for the family's finances. He is to provide a home for the family to grow up securely in, as well as the food to place on the table at the end of the day. Financial situations are very trick, and often bad financial situations they are the source for many divorces and falling apart of family, because it is expected- generally speaking- that the dad fulfills his job and responsibility of being the one to provide his family with the necessities that they need to sustain a life.
However, besides the obvious benefit that a father brings into a home for financial reasons, there are many other benefits that I found while researching for a "Father Involvement" paper we had to write for class. While researching, I came across a very well-written scholarly article from the University of Florida.( It can be found on cfuf.org/Filestream.aspx?FilelD=14 if you'd like to take a look for yourself :) )
There were many points given in the article that have been found through extensive research done on the family, but there were a few that particularly stood out to me that I want to share:
1. A father's interaction with their baby led to a reduced risk for that infant's cognitive delay later on in life
2.When a father is positively involved in their child's life, it led to less behavioral problems in boys & better emotional health for girls
3. Both men and women who remember having involved dad's grew up with better self-esteem and confidence
4. Children who grew up with actively involved fathers wanted to implement those actively-involved qualities into their own future families
5. Active father involvement actually directly benefited the father as well-- they were found to be better able to cope with stressful times and decisions than were non-involved fathers.
The research is clear: There are many benefits that come with having an actively-involved father in the home. There is not only benefits for the children and mothers around that actively- involved father/husband; yet, there are many ways in which the father is directly benefited as well by his actions of being actively involved in his child's and wife's lives.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Communication & Problem Solving
This week, we talked about a very important aspect in any relationship: communication. As we all know, without communication, a relationship simply cannot function in a healthy way. And no, I don't mean that carrying on texting convos throughout the entire day or week is a healthy way to communicate. We're talking about that real FaceTime communication-- face to face. Real life. Yep, that good stuff.
In preparation for class on Tuesday, we were to watch a presentation given by John Gottman called "The Love Lab." In this video, Gottman interviews the O'Kelley family, a newlywed couple who have encountered difficulties in their finances. The husband had said that he did believe these arguments could've possibly led to divorce, and thus Dr. Gottman put their marriage under a "microscope," in an attempt to look for the secret for marital success.
Long story short, the video brought something to my attention that was very interesting and easily identifiable. Towards the end of the video, the husband and wife are arguing (with more rage built up being shown on the inside versus the outside with an increased heart rate and holding-back looks). They are arguing about the inability for the other person to be able to recognize and hep fulfill their life-long dreams and ambitions. For the wife, this dream was to keep and raise her horse that she has grown to become deeply attached to. For the husband, his dream was to own a cabin and a boat and enjoy the luxuries that come with that. However, the problem arises in that they cannot seem to afford the other person's "dream" because of their own; However, their own dream is one that they simply don't want to abandon.
Digging deeper into the situation, the couple eventually realized that it was much more than just a dream: it's the emotions and feelings and history that person has with that dream/situation.
When looking into problem-solving, it's important to realize this. It's important to remember to take a step back when conflicts arise (and believe me- they SO will), and to take time to listen to the other person & hear why they think or act the way they do. Unless we do that, we're just going to fight fire with fire. It won't get us anywhere and quite frankly won't allow a stronger relationship to be built.
Conflict and hard times come into our marriages and relationships, for the same reason they arise in our lives. To build us up, make us stronger and closer... if we allow them to! And the way in which we allow them to, is through healthy communication with this other person. Communication fosters growth & bonding within any time of relationship.
Try it out.
I triple-dog dare you :-)
Monday, November 16, 2015
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
No matter how hard we may try to avoid it... the fact is that life is life. Oftentimes, we are faced with difficulties in life: deaths, hardships within families or friends, feelings of inadequacy overcome us, and the loss of a job... to name just a few. So, when I've been doing all the good I know to do- and am working hard to stay happy and be a good person- why, then, do bad things still happen in my life?
To put a spin on this of the way we believe to be true in the LDS church, I have a firm testimony of the refining opportunities the Lord gives each of us during these hard times. It is in the breaking down, and bringing us out of our comfort zone that we find we draw closer to him. When he makes us be humble, we meekly draw to him for help and guidance, because it's in these moments when we know we can't go through this life on our own.
In the concept of families, it almost works in the same manner. Families, believe it or not, actually grow stronger when they are faced with difficulties- IF they choose to do this. When faced with trials and very difficult things in life, it's easiest to blame and to get angry. Whether that anger and hatred be directed at someone close to you, God, or at your "life" in general, it's not the path we should take.
In Chinese, the symbol for "CRISES" actually means two things: "Danger" and "Opportunity".
These different meanings sum up exactly what I believe a family crises, or life crises in general, are meant to be. They are meant to scare us and to break us down, so that we do become more humble and submissive to those around us. When we let this take place, we're opening the doors of opportunity for grown and bonding within not only ourselves, but those people closest to us.
Whenever you stay by a friend's side through a hard time, that tie and bond grows stronger, right?
That's the same way that it is with families and with God- they are ALWAYS there for you, and thus it's important to use the opportunities given through hard times and trials to grow stronger and closer.
Sometimes, when we take a step back and humbly look at the trial, we realize that they really aren't such bad things happening to us. Rather, look at them as the marvelous opportunity to grow and become stronger. Fight to get through it, and fight together to stay together- because that is where the most unity and bonding can take place: together.
To put a spin on this of the way we believe to be true in the LDS church, I have a firm testimony of the refining opportunities the Lord gives each of us during these hard times. It is in the breaking down, and bringing us out of our comfort zone that we find we draw closer to him. When he makes us be humble, we meekly draw to him for help and guidance, because it's in these moments when we know we can't go through this life on our own.
In the concept of families, it almost works in the same manner. Families, believe it or not, actually grow stronger when they are faced with difficulties- IF they choose to do this. When faced with trials and very difficult things in life, it's easiest to blame and to get angry. Whether that anger and hatred be directed at someone close to you, God, or at your "life" in general, it's not the path we should take.
In Chinese, the symbol for "CRISES" actually means two things: "Danger" and "Opportunity".
These different meanings sum up exactly what I believe a family crises, or life crises in general, are meant to be. They are meant to scare us and to break us down, so that we do become more humble and submissive to those around us. When we let this take place, we're opening the doors of opportunity for grown and bonding within not only ourselves, but those people closest to us.
Whenever you stay by a friend's side through a hard time, that tie and bond grows stronger, right?
That's the same way that it is with families and with God- they are ALWAYS there for you, and thus it's important to use the opportunities given through hard times and trials to grow stronger and closer.
Sometimes, when we take a step back and humbly look at the trial, we realize that they really aren't such bad things happening to us. Rather, look at them as the marvelous opportunity to grow and become stronger. Fight to get through it, and fight together to stay together- because that is where the most unity and bonding can take place: together.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Sexual Intimacy & Family Life
Alright guys... so i have some news. I don't really know how to break it to ya, there's no really good way to do it. But i'll just say it: men and women are DIFFERENT! what?? how can that be?
Before I want to start this discussion though, I want to hopefully set the right tone as to the topic and what I'll be discussing today. The best way that I've ever been explained the sacredness of sexual intimacy before, was in a previous family course. My professor explained it to me this way:
You walk into a room, about to discuss the sacredness and importance of sexual intimacy in a marriage. Before you begin, you write the word, big and bold, on the board: "SEX". The group of students you're teaching begin to snicker, some giggle, some get flushed in the face, some shy away, some make smart alec comments.
Now the teacher starts: "What are the first words or thoughts that come to your mind when you see this word?" he asks.
Students raise their hands and reply, with comments like "naughty," "rude," "bad," and so on and so forth.
"Now," the professor says, "I want you to think about this. If we say that God created this gift and ability of sex, why would he create something 'naughty,' 'rude,' or 'bad'?"
The students sit silently, the wheels in their head seem to be spinning.
"In reality, it's Satan who uses his forces and power to distort this image of what sex really is. Sexual intimacy is a very beautiful, sacred experience between a husband and wife. Yet Satan uses something that was created to be so sacred and spiritual, to turn it into something of disgust; something naughty, rude, and bad, so that we feel ashamed to talk about it because he puts it into this distorted image of the naughtiness of the act. In reality, it's important to realize how truly sacred and special of a thing it really is between a husband and wife. It is the act of bringing forth children from God's hands, into the world. Now, does that sound bad, or something beautiful?"
Now, with that in mind, the act of sexual intimacy between a man and woman, bound within the bonds of marriage, really is something truly beautiful and sacred. It is a very spiritual experience to share with that person whom you're going to spend eternity with- an act that physically and emotionally binds you and your spouse together.
In class this week, we discussed the differences of men and women. They are indeed different. Hormones which aid in the excitement and thinking process of men and women act differently in one another. Men and women both have seratonin (the "warmth" hormone) and dopamine (the excitement, thrill hormone). However, only women have oxytocin, which is known as the bonding hormone. It often times becomes an issues during sexual intercourse and after, because women feel this bonding emotion whereas men feel it differently. Oftentimes, a woman needs to take time to talk and discuss what happened, whereas the man can easily move on and transition to other things. The woman often times, thus, feels unloved and can feel used. When in reality in the man's mind, that' just the way his brain functions. He loves his wife and feels he's being there for her, but not necessarily in the way she wants him to be.
Overall, the main point of class this week was to learn how important it was to open up marital intimacy gently and carefully. If you truly love your partner, you will do everything you can to make sure they aren't feeling pushed or used. If you truly love them, you will be willing to take it slow when necessary, and to make sure they feel comfortable. It's important to talk things through with them and see where their emotional state is at. In doing so, the bond between you two has the ability to grow in ways that it would never be able to before. When you take time to allow this emotion and love to take place between the two of you, you leave so much open room for your bond of marriage to grow. The union between you and your spouse will only grow deeper and stronger, as long as you allow it to.
In closing this blog post, I want to share a quote that one of the students in my class shared... (I don't know his name, so I'm sorry to whomever you are!!)
"Your spouse can only meet your needs some of the time, and you can only meet your spouse's needs some of the time. But, God can meet both of your needs, ALL the time. That's why his presence and influence in your marriage is so important."
Before I want to start this discussion though, I want to hopefully set the right tone as to the topic and what I'll be discussing today. The best way that I've ever been explained the sacredness of sexual intimacy before, was in a previous family course. My professor explained it to me this way:
You walk into a room, about to discuss the sacredness and importance of sexual intimacy in a marriage. Before you begin, you write the word, big and bold, on the board: "SEX". The group of students you're teaching begin to snicker, some giggle, some get flushed in the face, some shy away, some make smart alec comments.
Now the teacher starts: "What are the first words or thoughts that come to your mind when you see this word?" he asks.
Students raise their hands and reply, with comments like "naughty," "rude," "bad," and so on and so forth.
"Now," the professor says, "I want you to think about this. If we say that God created this gift and ability of sex, why would he create something 'naughty,' 'rude,' or 'bad'?"
The students sit silently, the wheels in their head seem to be spinning.
"In reality, it's Satan who uses his forces and power to distort this image of what sex really is. Sexual intimacy is a very beautiful, sacred experience between a husband and wife. Yet Satan uses something that was created to be so sacred and spiritual, to turn it into something of disgust; something naughty, rude, and bad, so that we feel ashamed to talk about it because he puts it into this distorted image of the naughtiness of the act. In reality, it's important to realize how truly sacred and special of a thing it really is between a husband and wife. It is the act of bringing forth children from God's hands, into the world. Now, does that sound bad, or something beautiful?"
Now, with that in mind, the act of sexual intimacy between a man and woman, bound within the bonds of marriage, really is something truly beautiful and sacred. It is a very spiritual experience to share with that person whom you're going to spend eternity with- an act that physically and emotionally binds you and your spouse together.
In class this week, we discussed the differences of men and women. They are indeed different. Hormones which aid in the excitement and thinking process of men and women act differently in one another. Men and women both have seratonin (the "warmth" hormone) and dopamine (the excitement, thrill hormone). However, only women have oxytocin, which is known as the bonding hormone. It often times becomes an issues during sexual intercourse and after, because women feel this bonding emotion whereas men feel it differently. Oftentimes, a woman needs to take time to talk and discuss what happened, whereas the man can easily move on and transition to other things. The woman often times, thus, feels unloved and can feel used. When in reality in the man's mind, that' just the way his brain functions. He loves his wife and feels he's being there for her, but not necessarily in the way she wants him to be.
Overall, the main point of class this week was to learn how important it was to open up marital intimacy gently and carefully. If you truly love your partner, you will do everything you can to make sure they aren't feeling pushed or used. If you truly love them, you will be willing to take it slow when necessary, and to make sure they feel comfortable. It's important to talk things through with them and see where their emotional state is at. In doing so, the bond between you two has the ability to grow in ways that it would never be able to before. When you take time to allow this emotion and love to take place between the two of you, you leave so much open room for your bond of marriage to grow. The union between you and your spouse will only grow deeper and stronger, as long as you allow it to.
In closing this blog post, I want to share a quote that one of the students in my class shared... (I don't know his name, so I'm sorry to whomever you are!!)
"Your spouse can only meet your needs some of the time, and you can only meet your spouse's needs some of the time. But, God can meet both of your needs, ALL the time. That's why his presence and influence in your marriage is so important."
Monday, November 2, 2015
Marriage: Are You Ever Ready?
Are you ever really ready for marriage? If so, how do you know when?
Youth today are not being raised as much in preparation for marriage as they used to be in times past. There are too many other factors to worry about- mainly those including education and jobs. Parents want their children today to be able to sustain their own, successful job- by going to school and getting a good education- because times simply are a lot harder. It's harder to buy a house, and it's much harder to sustain a family-- that's saying if your marriage even works out!
The fact is, times are just more difficult. The job market constantly becomes more and more competitive, schools are becoming more expensive and thus it's harder to get a quality education for the typical (poor) college-aged adult.
So with all of these odds against us... why even marry, right?
Within the first month of marriage, couples will see many new challenges and issues already surface. Such things we discussed in class, included: Who's family will we spend more time with? How do we adjust our finances to include sustain the both of us? When will we want to bring children into our family?
Studies show that the romantic trend between a couple skyrockets after they are married. Once they then have their first child, it actually declines, and then it levels out meeting in the middle for basically the majority of the relationship.
There are many factors that thus effect the relationship, all influencing a positive or negative trend- even both surfacing at different times.
I personally believe that you're never really ready for marriage. All of these facts put the odds against us- how are we expected to create and sustain a stable relationship in a world like this? In a world where morals are failing, and divorce and cohabitation are becoming more and more common?
Our marriage is never going to be perfect- and I believe that in order to have a marriage, you have to realize that. My all time favorite quote from this past LDS general conference, was by Elder Robert D. Hales. He said, "We marry POTENTIAL, not PERFECTION."
So many young adults today are feeling pressured into having the perfect relationship with that perfect person. The reality is... we're all human! None of us are perfect.
Despite the many odds against us, we can all make marriage work, and we should. We have the capacity to work hard towards any relationship, and make it work if we really want it to. There are going to be many hard times ahead that will come into our marriages- we simply can't just hunker down and avoid them. They're apart of life. But that's what makes a relationship interesting and fun- you're committing yourself to one person, showing your companionship throughout life's challenges. You both are willing to stick by each other's side and help each other along the entire way.
Besides, life is more fun when you have someone to enjoy it with, right? And when you can develop such an intimate relationship with one person, how much more fun is that?
Youth today are not being raised as much in preparation for marriage as they used to be in times past. There are too many other factors to worry about- mainly those including education and jobs. Parents want their children today to be able to sustain their own, successful job- by going to school and getting a good education- because times simply are a lot harder. It's harder to buy a house, and it's much harder to sustain a family-- that's saying if your marriage even works out!
The fact is, times are just more difficult. The job market constantly becomes more and more competitive, schools are becoming more expensive and thus it's harder to get a quality education for the typical (poor) college-aged adult.
So with all of these odds against us... why even marry, right?
Within the first month of marriage, couples will see many new challenges and issues already surface. Such things we discussed in class, included: Who's family will we spend more time with? How do we adjust our finances to include sustain the both of us? When will we want to bring children into our family?
Studies show that the romantic trend between a couple skyrockets after they are married. Once they then have their first child, it actually declines, and then it levels out meeting in the middle for basically the majority of the relationship.
There are many factors that thus effect the relationship, all influencing a positive or negative trend- even both surfacing at different times.
I personally believe that you're never really ready for marriage. All of these facts put the odds against us- how are we expected to create and sustain a stable relationship in a world like this? In a world where morals are failing, and divorce and cohabitation are becoming more and more common?
Our marriage is never going to be perfect- and I believe that in order to have a marriage, you have to realize that. My all time favorite quote from this past LDS general conference, was by Elder Robert D. Hales. He said, "We marry POTENTIAL, not PERFECTION."
So many young adults today are feeling pressured into having the perfect relationship with that perfect person. The reality is... we're all human! None of us are perfect.
Despite the many odds against us, we can all make marriage work, and we should. We have the capacity to work hard towards any relationship, and make it work if we really want it to. There are going to be many hard times ahead that will come into our marriages- we simply can't just hunker down and avoid them. They're apart of life. But that's what makes a relationship interesting and fun- you're committing yourself to one person, showing your companionship throughout life's challenges. You both are willing to stick by each other's side and help each other along the entire way.
Besides, life is more fun when you have someone to enjoy it with, right? And when you can develop such an intimate relationship with one person, how much more fun is that?
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